22nd November 2006

Bi-Annual Report

Two years ago I was diagnosed with an advanced condition of Acute Lymphoblastic Leukaemia (ALL) I was rushed to hospital and spent much of the next few months under treatment. I later discovered that the chances of me witnessing this two-year landmark were about 1 in 3. (30-40% survival rate)

So it was during a gig last night that I was struck with the (questionable) logical insight that I had a 60-70% chance of dying by the end of the set. I came close when the singer managed to forget the melody, rhythm & form to “Unchained Melody” in front of an attentive, art celebrity audience. But I don’t think that really counts.

So how do I feel? Well the answer to that question seems to be a string of paradoxes:
Shell-shocked yet grateful. More isolated from others yet more deeply connected. Acutely aware of the fragility of life yet more fearless. More confused and unsure of any beliefs, yet more lucid and clear. I feel like a ghost walking among the living, yet more alive than I have ever been. As you can see, elucidation escape me. I shouldn’t be here, yet here I am – and more glad of it than I can express with any justice. Again I must thank Bridget, my family, my close friends, colleagues and extended network for all the incredible support.

Last Sunday, my band, Rat Park (conceived before my illness) had our first public performance at the Park Lane Young Composers’ Symposium. It was an uncompromising performance in terms of style, vision and content in front of a knowledgeable, academic, critical audience and it went down really well.
We have our first full concert at the Guildford Music Festival in March 2007. It feels good.

Nothing is guaranteed and we all have a less than 100% chance of making it to any future date. This is both sobering and inspiring. If the next two years were your last, how would YOU want to spend them?

Follow your Bliss,

Milt :)

 

31st October 2006

Hallo Spleen

Okay, okay, I know.

I keep promising that I’ll ‘write again soon’- I really mean it at the time, and then despite a gnawing guilt, it gets to about a month before I update. To be fair, I am usually at miltchat with my leuka community so I am very much Net-present, but I don’t like to see digital cobwebs here- particularly with my stats report telling me that this place still gets daily bona fide visits.

“What have I been up to?” I hear you earnestly inquire- (although, in fact you are rather quiet today). Well..

My 2 days a week ‘Research’ at the Royal Academy has overflowed, but its all good clean creative fun so I’m happy. I also have 3 jazz guitar pupils at the Royal College of Music, a real treat. I have a couple of commissions at the moment for my composition work- love it, more please. My PhD is progressing faster than I feel I deserve, I have even been given an estimated due date for completion(July 2008). Considering I started in Jan 2004 (with a full-time job) and then had the little matter of acute leukaemia and a bone-marrow transplant in the middle of it, I think this is pretty good going. Of course it will mean so much when the air-stewardess desperately calls for a doctor on board, and I treat the suffering man with a very therapeutic lecture on rhythmic analysis.

I have another EGO concert in the diary. 18th March 2007 at the Guildford Music Festival. My trio Rat Park will also be performing that week. If you come along I might even talk to you if I’m not too busy being hoisted up on the shoulders of the townsfolk and being paraded jubilantly around Ye Olde Guildford. (That was for my American friends)

Health-wise, my visits have dwindled to a 3-monthly trickle, where I discover that my blood counts are perfect (other than that pesky-never-above-12.5-HgB) I almost forget how ill I was. Almost. So I do my best to look after myself, don’t drink, don’t smoke & now crack cocaine only on weekends (Ho-ho) I even gave up cappuccino (seriously) in a fit of masochistic bravado. I do a weight-training program 3 days a week, and cycle, run, or go for a long stridey walk. I eat the right things to, apart from the other night when Bridget and I had an utterly deborturous (can’t spell that one) KFC attack. The guilt is yet to pass but oh, heavenly temptations…

I seem to live a life of to-do lists. Okay 3 hours till that, I can do this, this and that. Although I never quite feel that I’m actually doing anything, always just about to. Maybe I need to improve my ‘Me-Here-Now’ thing as Bridget would wisely advise. Speaking of Bridget, she continues to do wonderful things, while thinking she is doing nothing, she is in a new all-girl Blues-Rock band (details to follow) and has become some what of a lovey hanging out with all sorts of celebs. She also ‘desperately needed’ a pair of very expensive sexy black boots from Russell & Bromley a couple of weeks ago, although I note they are still in the box- so emergency averted, I guess. But yes, she is very cool.

Monkey is quite clingy at the moment and if I am too self-absorbed to give him the attention he deserves he has thaken to a) Standing on my open laptop b) Emitting a haunting elongated whiney noise c) Standing on our favourite clothes or an important document and doing a cat impersonation of Michael Jackson’s ‘Moonwalk’ move from the Billie Jean performance at the Motown award ceremony.

Well there was some quantity (in the absence of wit and profundity) So I’ll leave you there. I promise I’ll update really soon. Ahem.

As an added bonus for reading all this, I will treat you to a work of genius (I sometimes use the word lightly)

Courtesy of a chap called Jeff Brechlin, this is the Hokey Pokey as it would have sounded in the work of Shakespeare…. Take care and oh, it’s halloween so I’m gonna dress up like Derek Acorah from ‘Most Haunted’ and pretend to be possessed with a scouse accent. Just like he does. Milt xxx

O proud left foot, that ventures quick within

Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.

Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:

Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.

Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke,

A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.

To spin! A wilde release from Heavens yoke.

Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.

The Hoke, the poke -- banish now thy doubt

Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about.

-- by "William Shakespeare"

 

17th September 2006

Love is in the Air

Admittedly when asked at age 8 about my aspirations, "World Air Guitar Championship Judge" wouldn't have ranked very highly. (Astronaut, Marine Biologist, Photographer, Artist, Explorer, Dinosaur Hunter, Journalist, Ghost-Hunter and Musician made up the list If I recall)

So it was with a great sense of surrealism (and excitement) with which I arrived in the city of Oulu ("Oh, Loo"), Finland. Incidentally, Oulu is an intriguing blend of cold war austerity and cutting-edge technology (and one of the only places on earth to have reached the level of civilization to offer FREE wireless broadband internet to ALL in it's city centre.

The 6 days that ensued would fill a book in themselves- if I could remember them that is. But in short, the melange of enormous fun, an opportunity to share my story ("Healing Power of Music" Lecture) and be heard, immense hospitality, new great friendships and surprising emotional involvement made up one of the BEST trips in my life. I am REALLY hoping that I am invited out again.

For a peak of the winning air-guitarist, together with a half-second of me giving a score (5.9!) click here Browsing the site should satisfy any air-head.

A life-enhancing experience. What did I know when I was 8 anyway?

FYB,

Milt

P.s. Air Kisses to Alex Lipsitz (Director of the great movie "Air Guitar Nation", Dan Crane aka Björn Türoque (Air guitar guru and author of "To Air is Human") Craig (US champ) Clay (Aussie Champ) Marika Lamberg (Air-Hostess), Zac, Alex, Heidi, Minna and all my other new best friends!

14th August 2006

Sun Update: Day 492

Hope you are all enjoying the summer. I am trying to enjoy the British version. My last full blood counts are, I am happy to say "Indistinguishable from a perfectly healthy male'" My check-ups have dropped to 3-month periods- within 6 months I will be off the last remaining medication (penicillin) and will have my last innoculations (MMR)

Within a two-year time span it seems I have managed to contract leukaemia, undergo severe chemotherapy treatment, achieve remission, then the mother of all radiotherapy sessions, then a full bone marrow transplant, engraftment, continued remission, survived a few infections along the way, rebuilt my devastated body and immunity system. Of course I will NEVER truly escape the danger of relapse but it is as if an alien just leant over and added "+2" to my age. Have I learned anything. Well:

- Life is short- grab it while you can

- Take nothing for granted

- Treatment for leukaemia makes you feel REALLY, REALLY sick

- Not even morphine can make "Trisha" bearable.

FYB, milt x

14th July 2006

A Fine Finnish: Day 462

Hello all. Forgive me if any of you have been waiting for an update. But I have been very much active on MiltChat a discussion forum for leukaemia & cancer people and carers- you are all very welcome.So what's up with me?

Health

My regular hospital check-ups have dropped to 2-monthly visits. (Quite a change from 15 minute obs under chemo) I eat well, and hardly touch alcohol. The last week I have run 4-5k every morning before breakfast followed by weights, crunches etc I feel energetic in the day and generally very well indeed. I take 2 penicillin a day, and often forget the 2nd one. Of course, the threat of relapse is a real and very dangerous concern, but so far so good. Am toying with the idea of a Triathlon in June 2007.

Friends

My good friend, Jessica Mason has opted for Maintenance Chemo rather than BMT and doing us proud with her fiesty resilience.
9-year old Daniel Kerkhoff has sadly relapsed and has had to have both testicles removed and is on another 2 years of chemo planned. He continues to fight with a lack of self-pity and courage that puts most adults to shame.
20-year old Gareth Mace has had serious infection complications during his chemo treatment for ALL, and has had to have his leg removed to prevent further damage. He is fighting bravely.

I wish them all well.

Work

Very sadly, I have decided to retire from all my teaching at RAM. This is beacause I have been offered a new role at RAM as de feacto Creative Director of the CTL Music Research Centre. This is a tremendous job (just 2 days a week) that involves colloborating on exciting music projects wit composers, muisc institutions and performers from around the world. I am very excited about it, but will really miss teaching the wonderful students.

Study/Practice/Research

I am continuing to practise and work for my performance PhD. I am currently writing up a paper for 20th Century Music Journal. On the guitar I have mostly been looking at Django's playing, time-feel, sweep-picking and multi-finger tapping for some unknown reason. As part of my training, I have been responding to a Shred Challenge.

Charity events

The target for my 10k run of £5,000 has been reached!
My colleague at RAM, Liam Abramson is undertaking an awesome challenge for the Leukaemia and lymphoma Society. Read about it here and please support him! And I may be doing this next year...

Fun

And last but not least, I have been officially invited to be a judge in the finals of the Air Guitar World Championships in Finland 5-9 Sept 06. (You read correctly) THis is a BIG event hosted in Finland's largest Rock venue which frankly, looks amazing. I am being flown out and looked after for the 5 days. I am also to give a lecture in "The Healing Power of Music" while I am there. I just have to accept!

More anon, or catch me at MiltChat

FYB,

milt x

1st June 2006

Careering, of course...: Day 419

Gig last night in the lovely PictureDrome, Northampton (An old-style cinema converted into a plush music/comedy/film venue. It was just Bridget and I (2 guitars & voice) playing Jazz, Blues ballady stuff. It was a nice venue but people just talked loudly through the whole set, which is slightly depressing. I also got to sit in with the next act, an acoustic guitar duo (Graham Roberts/Geoff Tooley) for some Jazz/Latin instrumentals. Good fun. It always strikes me that careers such as music must have the worst length of study to income return ratio of any undertaking. Lawyers need a degree and a few years before earning loads of money at the bar (and presumably spending it in the bar also). 8 years total? A doctor's training- 10 years before they can hack at you and not giggle at the word 'penis'? Now consider that most of my STUDENTS at the Royal Academy and Royal College have been training for a minimum of 10 years- My musical peers have been training for 15 years to 40+ years. And by training I mean BOTH Academic and Practical and usually not confined to term-times- we are talking a DAILY grind here. (Many of my musical friends feel lazy if they don't practise every day) Are musicians paid proportionately for their work? Er no- I know some tremendously talented and dedicated musicians who in their forties are still struggling to pay rent, let alone own their own houses. Some of the most intelligent, creative, talented and inspirational people I know earn about the same as a Tesco cashier. Last night Bridget & I, drove over 2 hours to be largely ignored for £20 each.

Now I am not one to whinge (Unlike some people I know, I mean, bloody hell, they don't half go on and on, whining away...) but this does seem to me to be a tad bit disproportionate. I know occasionally a musician makes ridiculous sums but this *rarely* has much to do with dedication & talent- and I don't like that "lottery"mentality either. How about a reasonable earning potential for all. How? Through education of music appreciation (and the Arts in general) and government support for live music-(and the Arts in general) I am happy to pay taxes for decent pavements and parkland and would be equally happy to pay to support the culture around me- You know the sort of things we stay alive for once we have finished dealing with those pesky doctors and lawyers. Encourage people to redirect some of their hard earned from excessive drinking, smoking, peer-pressured social clubs, satellite television and into something enriching. I have a master plan in place but won't go into it because seriously, I have to practise now!

My advice to anyone who asks is DO NOT enter the music 'profession' unless you feel you could do absolutely ANYTHING else. Unless you are driven by an internal force that overrides all logic and survival instincts, FORGET IT.

So what am I doing? On my third degree, practising daily with <0.000001% chance of makingmore than an honest living. If I started training as a lawyer now... Truth is I wouldn't trade it for anything else, and THAT's the bottom line.

Diplomatic Immunity

My childlike immune system has, according to my medical team, recovered enough to be treated to some lovely immunity jabs. Today I had a serving of Revaxis (Tetanus, Diptheria & Inactivated Poli) in the left arm and Pneumovax II (Pneumoccacal vaccine) in the right. Big deal. I probably ingested all of those during my last visit to KFC. Measles, Mumps and Rubella on their way. Anyway, I got a sticker for being really brave, but unfortunately the nurse was all out of lollies. I didn't make a fuss, as it wasn't really her fault, but I have since wrote a formal letter of complaint. I want my lolly.

Milt x

 

28th May 2006

Running Commentary: Day 415

Just completed the 10K Charity Run. The total raised so far is £4,830 - Big thanks to all who have donated! t was a hugely enjoyable & emotional event - I managed to complete the course in under 41 minutes. (I calculate it was actually 8.5k which still puts me under 50minutes for the 10k-yay) I am passionate about exercise now (even though I still find it very tough and I suspect my lungs are still screwed from the radiotherapy) So exercise features strongly in my life now. I have just completed a video of the event (my first for ages) and will be updating pictures as well. Bridget, Rachel(my sister-in-law), Alex, Wendy & Jonty were there-but I was also carrying these people with me.

I am lucky & grateful to be alive-Hope you enjoy the vid! milt x

27th May 2006

One of those days : Day 414

Hey all! I enjoyed my 35th Birthday yesterday. Played guitar most of the day and went with Bridge to see Derren Brown's live show in the evening. I usually dislike magic but this guy is different, not hats and rabbits just amazingly interesting and impressive psychological techniques bordering on the Jedi. The BEST show of any genre I have ever attended. Just catch him whenever you can and I won't say anything more. All in all I appreciated this birthday more than any other in my life- I just feel so f&cking grateful to be around.

Please spare a thought for 20-year old Gareth Mace A really cool and brave kid who is going through a terrible time with his treatment. I will be thinking of him in particular tomorrow when I do my 10K Charity run. I will also be carrying around these names with me- If you have a request for someone who is battling or has battled cancer/leukaemia to be included let me know soon- there is just an overwhelming number of brave people to remember. I will do my best for them, you all and myself tomorrow. Just don't expect me to win ;)

The total raised is a funky £4,700 ($8,799) Thanks everyone! Give more here

I start at GMT 10am in Regent's Park tomorrow- milt x

23rd May 2006

Spain Barrier: 410 days

Not sure if you know about this, but last month I was interviewed by the BBC for the Spanish/South American arm of the BBC Website: It was an article about 4 blogs from around the world (of which Miltcentral was one) You can read the article here- perhaps it will make more sense to you. Looks very nice though and some lovely people have responded from Mexico, Columbia and Venezuela. Ole!!

El Milto xxx

22nd May 2006

Greece Writing : 409 days

Just arrived back from a weekend in Greece- I went for the 40 day commemorative service of my grandmother's funeral. A sad but somewhat uplifting event. It was followed by traditional greek coffee and food with many friends and family members. As much as I don't relate to formal religious practice, it was a very good send-off.

What have I been up to? Well Bridge has been very busy with teaching at Radley and a 'demanding filming schedule' (Stylish Holland Park, eh?) Since the last update, I have had my ear pierced (quite fun actually), been training, run another 10K, started weight training again, completed the Academy's new studios and had a week of events launching them, won my first ever pub quiz, did my first post-cancer function gig (It was refreshing to do a wedding gig when there was no attention whatsoever to my cancer- people there didn't know or care just any other treated-like-waitstaff musician. I give them 6 months, tops:)). I also wrote an exam for RAM which leads me to my next story:

I had to get 50 16-page exams printed for the monday morning exam.
It was late on a Saturday and I went to a shop that was just closing but said they could do it double-sided 'no problem' in the morning.
When I went in the morning, the assistant insisted that double-sided was impossible so after much faffing I said f*ck it single-sided then.
I came back to find that he was printing 46 page 1's then on top of that 46 page 2's. So i had to re-sort them all in the shitty shop which took over an hour of my time while he stapled them. VERY badly. When at last it got to the end, he said it would cost £72. Outrageous! But I handed over my card.
"Sorry sir no cards" WHat???
So I said okay I'll be back with the cash. Collected the copies and pointed to the backpack on a nearby chair and said "I'll leave that here." And left the store.
I haven't been back since.(Well I never said WHEN I'd be back)
The backpack? Oh- it wasn't mine.

I'm bad.

Yesterday I checked out my roots by philosophising at the Acropolis(see Pics) Then I shared the flight back from Greece with the Eurovision UK entrants (the campest show on Earth) The lead singer was every bit as arrogant as he appeared on TV and the background totty-girls were amazingly screechy, childish, annoying and stupid. (Complaining, swearing, bugging other passengers, noisily reading out articles about themselves, being obnoxious and hugging alot(?))(I'm sorry - it's all true, see the pics) To make it all worse I woke up with their song is stuck in my head- so they had the last laugh on me:)

Back in London now, I am playing in a recital today, one of my birthday's on Friday-seeing a live Derren Brown Show!, Have the 10K charity run on Sunday, 31st May is a Bridget Band gig in Northampton, next day I am in Paris for the IRCAM conference then a recital the next day at the Royal College of Music. The next day my 6 week Hospital check-up. 13th June I am examining RCM students guitar final recitals all day and then giving a music research paper at the University of Surrey on the 14th. And breathe.

It's good to be alive.

milt:)

 

3rd May 2006

Up Jumped Spring : 1yr 25 days

I love the Spring. When it finally breaks it is never a disappointment and I feel just as good as a kid on the last day of term. Still it took its f&*^ng time.

Been really busy, since the last post: Bridge and I recorded a classical guitar piece at the Academy Studios, I've written a new 'cello piece and had it performed by Nick Allen at the London College of Music, put in 4 funding applications for my work, rehearsed and performed 45 minutes of music for Bridget's band at the South Bank (check out the pictures ) Rehearsed and performed with a 60-piece orchestra for the MAAM concert at the academy, been interviewed by the BBC for their website, worked on the Academy's studios and been training for the 10K. Not enough time!

Bridge has been chosen to appear in a 7-series BBC programme in the capacity of the 'Guitar Expert'. Her job is to be filmed teaching a tv 'personality' over 20 weeks in preparation for a big performance. Filming starts Friday... More as it unfolds. FYB, milt x

18th April 2006

Pick em up : Day +374

Sophie & Floyd showed up in a women's mag called 'Pick Me Up' So I took the mag's advice and did, here's the article. Good on them- they are wonderful people! When she read it, Bridget cried into her cappuccino in StarBucks:) More later.... milt

17th April 2006

News : Day +373

Sad to report the passing of my maternal grandmother, Ismene. She was an amazing woman and will be very fondly remembered. Farewell, Nana.

Gigs: Day +373

If anyone would like to come and hear me play a couple of nice (but free) gigs. 26th April Universiy of Surrey- Electric guitar and electronics improvised concert and May 1 Southbank Centre, Purcell Room Foyer 4pm, Bridget's band (plus me + bass and drums) -lovely pop, country bluesy vocal tunes with words that mean something and no endless jazz solos. lol. Love to see you there!

Legs : Day +373

Except for having to deal with a recent infection I have kept up the training, runing 3 short distances 4-5k and 1 long distance (7-10k) a week. I'd like to say its getting easier, but it is still a bit of an uphill battle. Am not complaining though, it is an enormous privilege to be able to move at all anytime after November 2004. And with a current sponsorship of £3,635, what more motivation do I need?

Words : Day +373

The MiltChat forum & guestbook is hotting up with more than 40 wonderful people now sharing their experiences. Survivors, battlers, family and friends, you are all very welcome.

FYB, Milt

10th April 2006

Definite Article : Day +366

The Evening Standard (First edition) ran a full page article about me on page 47- It is really well written I think. I have an electronic version here in case you missed it. Milt :)

"A slight, emotional figure" - Evening Standard. lol!

9th April 2006

ReBirthday Presence : Day +365

The Leukaemia Conference in York was fantastic, full report coming up. In the meantime i just want to express my gratitude for surviving one year after my Bone Marrow Transplant. To honour those many who have gone before and pave a way for those that follow, I will do all I can to live my life to the full and make it one year more. milt x

Hi Bridge : Day +365

Bridge has a new site! Please check it out and warm up her guestbook with a friendly hello:)

Lo Standard : Day +365

I am told that there will be an article on me in the Evening Standard tomorrow (Monday 10th April) on page 45 or 47. Haven't seen it yet, so don't know what to expect! Will scan a copy in case anyone interested misses it...It's all lies I tell you lies!(Unless I come out good)
cheerio, milt :)

 

6th April 2006

Forum For Umm..: Day +362

Off to the Leukaemia Research Annual Conference 2006 in the beautiful city of York tomorrow. Serendipitously, It will concide with my "re-birthday" on Saturday April 8th- Please nobody bother with a bone marrow cake, "Don Peridone" or chemo cocktails. Very grateful to have made it this far relatively intact-hope I am living up to the privilege of being alive- I will endeavour to do my best always. FYB, milt

5th April 2006

Target Destroyed : Day +361

The Fundraising Target of £3000 has been reached for my 10k run! Thanks to all who donated! If you didn't you can still allowed to give a little. I managed a 10k last sunday- not bad for someone who was given a 35% chance of surviving TWO years from diagnosis- only a few months to go, watch out for those falling pianos.... FYB, milt

2nd April 2006

Listen : Day +358

NEW PODCAST EPISODE! LISTEN TO MILTONAIR HERE

24th March 2006

Allan : Day +350

Very sad to report that Allan Miskell (Ontario, Canada) passed away on March 22nd at the age of 22 following a relapse of Acute Lymphoblastic Leukaemia. Allan was a talented & busy percussionist and drummer and much loved (& sorely missed) by his family (Suzanne. Michael & Sara), best friend Caitlin and a huge community. I encourage you to pay tribute HERE(write a condolence and/or donate to Leukeamia Research Fund, Canada) Allan's mother Suzanne has offered great support to me over the past months and I want to express my deep sympathy. Please join me. Milt x

Allan Miskell

22nd March 2006

Cheque Mates : Day +348

Visited CancerBACUP HQ near Old Street, London. Shown around the offices by the hospitable Danielle Larner and Jane Murphy. Lovely people working hard to keep a good thing going (Advocacy/Informational/Support to those affected by cancer).

Presented a cheque for £4,000 which included moneys raised from my big EGO gig as well as over £700 raised by some fine Radley College boys (Matt Cooper, Lawrence Grabt, Pelham Groom & Theo Whiworth) Thanks guys! Here is a pic of the presentation.

Thanks to all those who have contributed to my new forum, (hey neutgirl!) It would be great to see some experiences shared there.

I'm having one of my 'tyred days' (When I feel I have been run over) so time to 'crash' :)

Keep it unreal, Milt

22nd March 2006

Milt Forum: Day +348

Over the last few months I have had an overwhelming amount of SPAM (Can I just announce to the whole world that I do NOT, I repeat do NOT need VIAGRA, CIALIS or other prescription medications. I earned myself TWO university degrees and am not in the market for buying anothe- Don't give me the third degree man. I am also extremely happy with my 'size' and I am, as it happens, not interested in transferring $23,000,000 from a Nigerian bank - not even for a 2% cut for my trouble.

For this reason I have just uploaded a lovely new guestbook and forum(oooh) http://miltnet.com/miltchat Why don't you be the first to post? Please help me make it a groovy happening, positive, helpful forum - wouldn't that be great?

Sponsor Monster: Day +348

You guys humble me. What amazing support for my run. Thanks. I have upped the target dramatically to 10k for the 10k. One British pound to one British meter. Just want to thank you all again. To be honest, when these generous amounts came rolling in I was rather embarrassed and felt like hiding. But Bridget said the immortal line: "Oh, Just take the money and run." Genius.

 

21st March 2006

Milt-on-air: Day +347

Been toying with the idea of doing miltlatest via PodCast, so those hard-of-reading folks who would rather hear my updates/music may do so and the lucky Ipod-ly ones could get automatic updates and carry them around their persons. Sounds interesting, maybe? So I (and my guitar, and monkey) did a short little technical test of it here.(Click on 'listen' under Podcast test, then hit play under the x-ray pic of my lungs)

Please let me know whether it worked or not (could you 'subscribe' to it? Did it appear in Itunes?) So do you think MiltOnAir is an idea with 'wings'? Or is it the Icarus of podcasts??? Cheers, milt

20th March 2006

Racing Ahead: Day +346

Okay, a little overwhelmed by the response to my sponsorship request. I was hoping for over £2k by May 28th (over 2 months away) Latest figures are £1569 which is about 75% in less than 3 days! A big thank you to all those who have supported me and CancerBACUP. Again THANK YOU, what a lovely community I have here! x Here is the sponsorship page

Training has started- I did 3.5k yesterday. Wan't too bad, but my stamina is shot and I am aching in muscles that a doctor would have to look up in a medical dictionary to name. But very, very grateful to be well enough to run and to have such wonderful support.

And the winner for cleanest blood...: Day +346

The results are in. A couple of weeks away from my BMT anniversary and my blood results are pretty much perfect Ok 12.4Hgb is slightly low for a guy but for a female-bloody like me, it's just fine. Are people treating me different now that I am O-negative? Not really, but I can see something in their eyes that gives away their prejudice.

So am I cured? No & I never will be. This precursor-T-cell Acute Lymphoblastic Leukaemia is a tenacious son of a beeatch and could come back AT ANY TIME. in 2years, in 2 days, in 22 years, or never... I am basically living as if it is my last 2 years so an ideal balance between self-development, hedonism, meaning, focus & fun. I am certainly living with more enjoyment, motivation, courage & gratitude than I did before Leukaemia, so what do I have to complain about?

Nothing! m x

 

17th March 2006

Run for my Life : Day +343

Okay, as you may know I am doing a 10k charity run on 28th May 2006 in Regent's Park for the marvellous CancerBACUP If you feel like sponsoring, may you live to be a thousand with the body of a 20 year old, a host of lovers and the latest Apple Mac- click here If you are unsure then please remember a couple of things.

1) It is less than a year since starting my Bone Marrow Transplant
2) I received the most intense amount of treatment a patient is expected to have in their lifetime
3) Ignoring points 1) & 2), when it comes to running, I am, well...shit.

so SPONSOR ME!!!

The Bone Marrow Times: Day +343

8-year old Daniel Kerkhoff received his stem cell transplant yesterday. So far, so good. Wishing him the best. Wanna help?

23-year old Jessica Mason (ALL(phase 2 end) Unrelated bone marrow match recently found has started her own blog of her great writing. Be a chum!

Underground Lines #2 : Day +343

Bond Street-Holland Park: Male early 20's in white leather jacket with a Vespa badge and a 'USA' Cap.

Heeeeeeey, I'm.......

Vespa Man! Vespa Man!
Taking those corners as fast as I can.
Vespa Man! Vespa Man!
Don't call it a lotion, it's a tropical tan.

Rip in my jeans in a place just right,
You can't take ME down in a fight.
Badges on white leather,
Cream baseball cap,
Nano-slick with the ladies,
Now THAT is a fact.

Vespa Man's TOP!
Vespa Man's COOL!
Vespa Man's HOT!
Vespa Man!

Fool.

14th March 2006

Paper Moon : Day +340

Hello everybody, been back at work this work. A little fatigued, am still learning to balance my enthusiam for life with my current physical limitation. I am so clear about how I want to live, what creative projects I aspire to and what is good and worthwile in my life. But although its almost a year on from Bone Marrow Transplant, my body can't easily forget that complete bollocking abuse it has received. Still I have many, many things for which to be grateful and I am not interested in moaning. Let's just get on with it!:)

I was interviewed by the Evening Standard today, as they are interested in writing a story on me, looks like it may go ahead. The journalist, Rory Clements is very intelligent and sharp so am looking forward to see what he comes up with. I'll keep you posted if and when it goes to print.

8^P MiltSpotting : Day +340

Check out the pictures page for some milton spottings around the globe.

First of all from 8-year old Daniel Kerkhoff (who is now in hospital readying for his BMT) Notice how he unearthed an ancient effigy of me on a can. Astonishing. There is also a picture of Allan Miskell spotting a dramatic mention of my name. Do the signs never stop? If you have any further evidece of further milt/milton symbols appearing worldwide, please let me know! I'll start a cult or something.

Please let us spare a thought for these two brave young men. Daniel has been battling Leukaemia for 4 years (really not fair on a child-nice one loving & just god) and is receiving his Bone Marrow Transplant on March 19th. Let us also think of Allan who is having a really rough time in hospital since his recent leukamic relapse. Keep fighting, lads.

Underground lines : Day +340

Hello again. I invented a new pastime today designed for tube journeys. For every person that sits opposite you, write a quick poem, not a twee limerick. But an honest, stream-of-consciousnees reaction to that person that you will probably never see again. Just a reflection on two lives momentarily crossing. Don't try to be clever or force anything, just let it flow out. I include my efforts for today. I believe they have the veneer of respectable poetic lyricism but also know they are basically crap and I don't really know what they mean. However I found it intriguing what emerged. Please guestbook in your creations:) Till the next time, follow your bliss. milt :)

Euston-Oxford Circus: Elderly Gentleman with Hat (70+)

So this is life, so coloured/so dull.
Into hollow’d meaning my senses lull,
Over? Is it now?
Only the clucking bell,
and menac’d sea can tell.

Oxford Circus- Stuck Train: Gay Fashion Student (22ish) and Female Friend.

Plaid. Fancy.
Though he ekes a familiar fag-hag smile we must ask,
Does gay & happy make a happy gay?
Lay swatch over swatch and compare to your father’s twisted disapproval,
Now with matching bald head glistening in desperate ease.
Make your dress, my friend. I wish you well.

Marble Arch to Notting Hill gate: Stern Japanese Lady (38ish)-

Ice.
A billion year curse places us in this knotted web.
I fold like Origami.
You continue to stare, unmoved.

Notting Hill Gate-Shepherd's Bush:
Giggly Arabic Teenage girl gossiping inanely with her taller, thinner friend

Izzit. Innit.
Innit. Izzit.
Izzit? Innit?
Izzit? -

No.

 

11th March 2006

New Life : Day +337

Wow, what a week:

Monday: Working hard, fine-tuning my excellent recording studio at the Royal Academy of Music. Visited Jess Mason in the Royal Free Hospital
Tuesday: Held meetings at the Academy, made great progress with the studio.
Wednesday: Prepared a lecture at home, found out I was to perform with Chris Garrick on Friday, probably the best, definitely my favourite jazz violinist in the world. Got a call from the Evening Standard interested in running a story on me.
Thursday: Gave an open lecture to a bunch of academics, PhD students, doctors & professors from various colleges on the role of new technology on contemporary music. Had a great time followed by lunch with the composer Steve Goss and Bridge.
Friday: Played an immensely enjoyable lunchtime concert with Chris Garrick & his band, all great players. Followed by assisting Chris with a 2 hour improvisaton seminar for the Royal College String students - A string ensemble, Chris Garrick and my guitar, bliss! Had a very entertaining afternoon with classical guitarist(s) Gary Ryan & Bridge.
Saturday: Bridget & I finished the last Modes article for Guitar Techniques Magazine. Got a really nice phone message from John Williams. Then went to the Apple Store, Regent Street for tech fix.(Big shout to Mike) Decided yet again that Apple design (inside & out) is so far ahead of the game that felt I had been thawed some time in the future. Then started writing a miltcentral update...

Quite fun compared to the same time last year. N'est ce pas?

Other news, please wish my sister (& Bone marrow donor) Alex, best of luck for her Tae Kwon Do BLACK BELT exams on March 25th. Living proof that one can recover from a bone marrow donation in style, and then kick someone's arse while wearing a dressing gown. She is also just writing up her PhD. What next? A Blue Peter Badge?!(erm USA people, Blue Peter was a children's show where they would give out Blue Peter badges to deserving kids, like if they rescued a hedgehog from inside a dishwasher or could stick marbles up their noses etc)

Thinking of a few people today:
Jess Mason (23, London, UK) just got the news that a fully-matched donor has been found for her, should she opt for BMT- which is great news.
Daniel Kerkhoff (8, Sheffield, UK) has his BMT planned for March 19th- my best wishes and strength to him and family.
Jason Hammerschmidt (29, Toronto, Canada) needs a bone marrow match NOW, here's wishing he gets one very soon. His story.
Michael Brecker (World famous Jazz saxophonist) was unable to find a full-match donor, despite an international search. He underwent a half-match SCT from his daughter and is currently fighting through its challenges.
Lucia Pasqualino (16,Blackpool, UK) & Gareth Mace (20, London, UK) who are both receiving treatment for ALL

...and many others of whom I will speak soon.

I've said it before and I will say it again PLEASE join the bone marrow register NOW! You can be the most important person in a whole community of people's hearts and in a couple of months be kicking someone's arse in a dressing gown while they called you 'doctor' That's what my sister, Alex is doing!!!

Light, Milt :)

Floydian Trip: Day +330

Had the pleasure of meeting up with Floyd London(aka Matt Julians) & Sophie Denny today. Floyd is a survivor of Acute Myeloid Leukaemia (diag. Sept 04) & the erstwhile bassist of the rock group "The Almighty" Sophie is highly knowlegeable and an active campaigner for Leukaemia Research. They recently arranged a mega-concert for charity and Floyd is often in the media spotlight. It was great to meet them again and chat about our experiences, Floyd had some pretty dicey moments along the way but is looking great now. Floyd and Soph were recently married. Aw.

You can see some pics of the day here as well as some pre-leuk pics of Floyd in finest rock form. In the words of the Almighty, a message to cancer:

"Welcome To Defiance"

FYB, Milt:)

Lent me your Ears : Day +330

What are you all giving up for Lent? i have decided on two things in particular:

Abstinence and self-control.

I'll let you know how I get on, I appreciate all your support in my endeavours, hopefully I can do it. Milt :)

 

3rd March 2006

Marching On : Day +329

Wow look at the Day above! My re-Birthday looms. A slice of marrow cake perchance? What news you ask? Well, details pending, I have been asked to do A 10k men-only (boo) run for cancerBACUP on the 28th May 2006 in Regent’s Park. The theme is ‘Heroes’ (i.e. running for you personal hero and/or simply dressing up) I think I’m going to avoid the expected choices of Superman, Spiderman et al in favour of something else. However, since not many people would recognize Stravinsky (Heroic musical pioneer) I have another idea which I will share soon. Anyone interested in taking part or even sponsoring me please stay tuned for details. I will report back on my (gulp) training soon. Ish.

Next Thursday I am giving an open lecture at the York Gate museum (Royal Academy of Music) on new aspects of technology regarding composition & performance. Should be fun, but a lot more preparation required!

The other day I visited the lovely Jessica Mason. As mentioned before, Jess is a 23-year old Aussie living in London. She is trained as a nurse but has serious artistic tendencies and talent. On 28th December 2005, Jess was diagnosed with ALL. She is currently in phase II of UKALL treatment at the Royal Free and is doing great in the face of the heavy treatment (I know it all too well) BMT plans are unclear. We had a great chat about art, music, leukaemia, mortality, atheism, cat behaviour and chinese food. I send my best wishes to her, her boyfriend Chris and her mum during these ‘interesting’ times. I am moved by her bravery, spirit and wisdom in dealing with her leukaemia. Ripper Mate!! (check out the pictures)

More soon, loads going on…but must dash.

Milt J x

26th February 2006

Gutted: Day +322

You would think that nothing could surprise me any more. I had a busy but absorbing week at work fine-tuning my studio at the Royal Academy of Music-[/nerd mode on] May I just say that Miller & Kreisel 5.1 Speakers & Audient Mixing consoles is about as good as audio gets.[/nerd mode off]

Was all set for a relaxing weekend when Bridget came back from work complaining about feeling slightly unwell. Well her condition worsened throughout the night, until she was screaming in AGONY with stomach pain. The usual home remedies didn't work, so after a telephone consulation with an NHS emergency nurse, I had no choice but to call an ambulance. It was horrilble to watch her suffering. By this time Bridget was delirious with pain and vomiting in a manner that would make an exorcist suddenly remember he had another meeting planned. Well the ambulance came and we had the blue light treatment to good old Charing Cross Hospital (my home for 3 months).

She was given a cannular, some anti-sickness medication and a one hour saline drip. Verdict: Gastroenteritus, cause unknown.(possibly food poisoning). Fortunately she has been recovering well despite shakiness and loss of appetite for the next couple of days. I tried to look after her as best I could. It was, of course, very ironic and 'slightly' amusing to have such a role reversal, but I am very grateful it passed quickly. Wanna see some pics? She is doing fine now and despite my protestations plans to return to work tomorrow. Can I just say that where it matters, the NHS are fantastic and a very civilized entity.(My US friends, the NHS (National Health Service) treats ALL people equally regardless of insurance or income for FREE. We all pay through taxes, the concept is that our health is no-ones 'fault' and everyone's responsibility. That is a further issue I have with such practices as smoking, as it unnecessarily costs everybody by increasing the load on healthcare. Of course it is seriously underfunded and people will complain of waiting ages for new hips etc, but I am biased by my superb (and free) treatment-the costs otherwise would have amounted to the value of a nice little flat in London!)

In other news, I found a stash of hospital pictures and movies that never made it to the editing stage. Gigabytes of them. I'll start to sort over the next few weeks and post things up of interest.

You may have noticed Bridget's Sheryl Crow T-shirt- she is a big fan. (As am I- she is an extremely talented musician, has an incredible voice and as a sexy 44-year old child-free independent & creative woman is really inspirational) Ironically about the same time Bridget was dripped up, Sheryl Crow was undergoing treatment for Breast Cancer (early stages) Reminds me that cancer really is everywhere, no-one is immune and nothing is guaranteed. So get on with everything you know you want to do. Now.

My 8-year old buddy, Daniel has been given a date for his Bone Marrow Transplant: 16th March. Thinking of him and his family.

Now go on and enjoy yourselves, milt

21st February 2006

Articles of Faith: Day +317

Hello everyone, just a quick update before I collapse into a bed- I am living life to the full these days but am getting rather behind on sleep -So am learning to pace myself and to stay motivated but on a slower burn. It's not working.
It was great to see an article on the EGO concert in Guitar Techniques Magazine (April 2006 p 15) Have a look. Nice to see.
Bridge has a great column on the Mixolydian mode in the same magazine. She has been getting back on track after one hell of a year and has some lovely new audio clips on her site. Go have a peek when you have a free lane on the "Information Superhighway" (Is that really a worse name than 'World Wide Web?' - Why, oh why did we not call it 'The Matrix' ,'CyberSphere", 'The Data Multiverse' or 'The Nexus'?? What a waste! )
On Tuesday I visited the lovely Jess Mason- A 23-year old aussie girl being treated for ALL in the Royal Free Hospital. It was a real pleasure to meet her. She is suffering without internet access, when will hospitals realize that Broadband ranks above Television, Hifi and a landline phone in terms of basic civilized human needs? - Don't know if this is the case in other parts of the world, but the exploiatation of patients in terms of phone call prices in hopsitals is deeply criminal. Leeches.

My best wishes, respect and encouragement to Jess Mason, Daniel Kerkhoff and all of you going through a BIG challenge. You can do it.

Milt :)

16th February 2006

Dan the Man: Day +312

Just got back from a trip to Sheffield to visit the Kerkhoff family (Jan, Neil, Antony & Daniel). Here are some pictures. 8-year old Daniel was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukaemia when he was 4. He has spent a daunting amount of his life undergoing treatment, and at the end of last year, unfortunately exerienced a relapse of the leukaemia. An unrelated Bone Marrow Transplant is planned for March. This will involve total body irradiation & chemotherapy. Understandably, Jan & Neil are very concerned about him, but Daniel remains as brave, positive and undaunted as ever. We all went bowling and had a mickyD's ( a Mer-mickyD's?). Indidentally, I ate like a pig: my appetite is back with an agenda. I had a great day and Daniel is very brave, calm, uncomplaining and extremely funny. I also had the pleasure of meeting Paula Westnidge and her 11-year old son, Liam. Liam was diagnosed a year ago with non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. He seemed to be coping very well with his treatment. He is also a pretty mean electric guitarist- A tidy player with good time! We jammed some AC/DC and Maiden:)
Enoying the company of the Kerkhoff family, I missed my last train home and had to stay the night. This had nothing to do with their projection screen and Sky movies subscription, of course:)
I slept under a Sheffield United Football Team duvet, and dreamt about when I was 8 years old, ski-ing in Switzerland without a care in the world.

Follow Your Bliss, and please give blood and register your marrow, milt:)

10th February 2006

A Little Plea: Day +306

I received this email today, from Marlies Hammerschmidt who is desperately looking for a bone marrow match for her son.
If you have healthy bone marrow then please, please consider registering. It is quick and easy. In most likelihood that would be it and you could continue your life knowing that you've done something good. If you actually became a donor then you would have the opportunity to save someone's life(with negligible personal risk)
How do you think that would feel? Go on, do a good thing and have a chance to be someone's personal hero: register
The amazing jazz saxophonist Michael Brecker is in a similiar situation.

FYB, Milt P.s. if you do register, let me know so I can show my appreciation:)

5th February 2006

Modern Letting: Day +301

I have a new video up. It is designed as a desensitization tool for the needlephobic. Breath deep and watch and repeat. Bye, milt

4th February 2006

Past Tense, Future Perfect?: Day +300

Okay I had a blood test yesterday and the results were 'perfect': WBC: normal RBC: normal Platelets: normal HGB: 12.1 (slightly low for male, but normal for female blood!)
There doesn't seem to be any sign of infection. I am now off the Septrim-leaving just 2 daily tablets of penicillin as my leukaemia treatment. I now go in for routine check-ups at Hammersmith Hospital just once a month. Compare that to Day 8 (16th Apil 2005)

20-hour anti-sickness drugs, 20-hour liquid morphine, 3 x 10-minute antibiotic syringes, 1-hour antibiotic drip, 20-hour Osmolite 'feed', 6-hour hydration drip. 3-hour immuno-suppresant, 10-minute methotrexate chemo injection, 2-hour saline drip, 2 blood-tests, 1 Chest X-Ray, 10 'obs' (blood pressure, pulse, oxygen saturation and temperature readings), 1-hour magnesium drip, 5-minute piriton injection, 1-hour platelet transfusion, 12 antibiotic/antifungal tablets, 6 antibiotic mouthwashes and 2 soluble paracetamol.

Some change I guess?

I have a new EGO event planned. It is going to be sooooo good. Want a sneak preview?

I will pin down a date, venue and personnel in the next few weeks- wanna come?

Man, I had a weird experience today. I was led to a site of a band I played with once. There is a promo video on the site and it has a couple of close ups of me.
What is strange is that I unknowingly had Leukaemia at the time. Which kind of explains me not looking too well in the vid. If you want to see what someone in the early stages of leukaemia looks like: Click here then click the Natural Woman(live) clip.

Yesterday saw a concert at Radley College of Bridget's guitar students. It was really impressive! - both Bridget's work and the talents of the kids. Hopefully they'll all go into politics or banking and leave my patch alone ;)

More soon, I am working on my first vid in ages:) FYB, milt

2nd February 2006

The Show goes on: Day +298

Hello all. Been working at the academy again and keeping myself busy. PHD research, directing the CTL research centre, coaching a Jazz guitar quartet, reading 'Unweaving The Rainbow' (Dawkins)-recommended and trying to make my home beautiful. I have also, you will be most delighted to hear, memorized all the eons, eras. periods and epochs of prehistoric earth. Thats 4.6 billion years. 4.6 BILLION? That is impossible to fathom. I mean, I remember some pretty dull religious education classes at school, and even they didn't feel quite as long as that. I digress.

As you might have guessed I have already started the ball rolling for the next EGO event. Those of you who missed the last one, please read the reviews below before you decide that you can afford to miss this one too:) Stay tuned for info...

Last tuesday I visited a brave young man, Gareth Mace, who is at Guy's Hospital undergoing treatment for Acute Lymphoblastic Leukaemia.

I was taken by the courage and stoicism of Gareth and his mother, Fiona. I will see them again soon. It seems that I am now inextricably connected to the Leukaemia community- it's nothing that I planned but, despite how difficult it is sometimes, it's also nothing I would change.

There's more to say but its 1.30am and I'm super tired- Nighty Tighty-milt x

30th January 2006

Rapid Response: Day +295

Wonderful responsees from the audience members at Saturday's concert: Read

29th January 2006

Tomorrow's Nostalgia: Day +294

The show was awesome.

How good was it? If you had the misfortune of not being there, I'm sorry to say you really missed out - come to the next one! All the players had a marvellous time, If the audience enjoyed it half as much as we did, then it was a truly great show.
Everything that could have gone wrong before the concert, did: I had to reprint 145 programmes because of a serious error, despite specific instructions the hall was literally FREEZING on the day- MASSIVELY compromising the rehearsals and physical preparation for the show (the classical guitarists suffered terribly from frozen fingers and performed formidably in the face of adversity)- noisy industrial heaters were brought in hours later-but the damage was done. Thanks Venezuela! May I remind you that this country is bloody freezing in January!
Oh yes and the car got towed while we were unloading gear. BAR STAR DOZE. But despite everything the gig was really great, I will be updating the pictures very soon.

While the show was just storming on, my great friend Steve Goss said to me "You realize that this is tomorrow's nostalgia?" Nicely put.

My profoundest thanks to all the wonderful guitarists: Bridget, Steve Goss, Gary Ryan, Graham Roberts, Tristan Seume, Pete Callard, Chris Montague and... John Williams

Huge gratitude to all the audience and everyone else who supported the event.

If I had to choose between never having leukaemia or having battled leukaemia and getting the opportunity to have life experiences like this one - it would be a no-brainer :)

PICTURE APPEAL

Were you at the concert? Did you take any pics or movies? If so please contact me. I'd love to see them.

Thanks! Milton

If you are interested in attending future events, stay tuned...

CONCERT DETAILS

Milton's Big EGO concert

Milton's first big post-cancer gig, featuring 8 sensational guitarists. The Eclectic Guitar Orchestra presents a melting pot of styles to warm up a winter's night.
The Time? Saturday January 28th 2006. 7pm
The Place? Bolivar Hall, Venezuelan Embassy. 54, Grafton Way London W1T 5DL
The Cost? By donation. Suggested is £20, but give as little (or much) as you are happy with.
How to book? email me at milton@miltcentral.com to reserve tickets (recommended) payment by cash or cheque on the night.
The poster? here
Can my aunt come? Yes, of course.
Can my friend's brother-in-law come? By all means.
Can I bring my pets and eat crisps all the way through? No.

17th January 2006

Deeply Floored: Day +283

Hello all. Today, I sent a fax to the great guitarist (not the composer) John Williams. Those of you who don't know him, believe me when I say that he is THE most famous (...accomplished, important and most probably talented) Classical guitarist in the world today. Bar none. I sent him a simple but heartfelt letter about my concert ,why I was doing it, my experiences with cancer and the importance of music in my healing. I was hoping for some nice words from him to announce at the concert. Anyway he calls me within an hour, and says he would be delighted to play in the concert.
So he is playing some solos and a piece or two with my guitar orchestra. It is hard to express what an honour it is for us all. I just want to thank him for his generosity in providing his phenomenal musical services-and making the event even more special for me. Read about him here

What a year. I look at the pictures from a few months ago when I was on deaths door and too weak to move and now I am playing with my own orchestra of great musicians and friends...with John Williams

Tickets are going super-fast so I may have to increase the suggested donation level. Get in there quick if you are on the fence, you don't want to miss this.

What a year, what a life. Excuse me, I will now go and jump up and down for a bit. Then cry. Then jump up and down again.

Live your best lives people, look forward to meeting some of you on the 28th! Follow your bliss, Milton

14th January 2006

Not a rehearsal: Day +280

Life is not a rehearsal, but It contains them. Just like the one we had today for my concert

It was a real blast to have so many fine and diverse guitarists together for this event, and all I had to do was get Leukaemia. Not too hard.

Why don't you come to the concert? It is by donation so pay as little (or as much) as you like. You will hear some great musicians, meet alot of people united by a) the desire to confront cancer and/or b) the desire to celebrate music and life. Details about booking are above. Come! I am doing this for a celebration of life not for money or glory!

Till the next time... Milton

3rd January 2006

From Hospital to Hospitality: Day +269

Okay, now this was a pleasant surprise: My would-be community in Dallas, Texas, when they heard I wasn't coming created this video It was created by Ken & Kat Shimamoto. What a lovely thing to do, eh? It makes me look forward doubly to when I can get over there.

In medical news, I have inherited the Beta Thalassaemic trait from my sister. This is a condition when you have smaller, but more plentiful red blood cells. Nothing good, nothing bad but something interesting!

Am desperately trying to get the arrangements done for the concert so I'll be off, then.

See y'all later: Texan Milt

1st January 2006

Revolutions, Resolutions & Evolutions:
5 am Day + 267

Happy New Year! Spent the evening at our friend Felicity's house. Dinner & then endless songs on the guitar till 4am. My kind of party. Here are my:

RESOLUTIONS*
(* I reserve the right to modify these at whim at any time during the year)

1) Enjoy/appreciate/live every day with gratitude, good humour, hope, patience blablabla
2) Be the best guitarist & musician that I can be. Do lots of gigs/creative projects.
3) Give up Caffeine. (Apart from a cappucino in early January and most days thereafter.)
4) Immerse myself in creativity and make my lifes experience a fundamental priority.
5) Get out and see the world, look after my body, take exercise
6) Make plans to move into a beautiful new home with lots of natural light, a large open-plan living-room, a music room, in a great location and a proper bedroom. Yes.
7) Spread honesty, positivity & inspiration as much as possible around me
8) Make Bridget's year as good as I can.
9) Suck the marrow out of life!

There are many more. Feel free to post yours on the guestbook...

Make it a good one, it's the only 2006 we have! Milton

GTFOOHA Day: Day + 265

I am back home! Apparently the infection has been adequately stamped out now. I spent each of the last 4 days like this: 6 hours of antibiotic inhaler (through a mask), 3 antibiotic drips one blood test, 10 or so general obs, an x-ray, a lot of coughing, fair amount of Xmas TV and a good 5 hours of daily guitar practice. It was the best hospital room I have ever stayed in, very clean, newly painted, a decent view, natural light, good artificial light, entertainment centre, well-sized and of course I had some music equipment to pass the time productively. Thanks for all your well wishes, I am doing okay, still a bit wobbly from the infection, isolation and powerful antibiotics. Just off to walk the London Parks with Bridget, then some music prep for the concert, a long discussion about goals for 2006 and if well enough, a party in the evening. When I was a kid I had a book about life in the future (the 21st century --woaah) and so where are my handheld video phones, computers in every home with enormous freely-accessible worldwide information library & discussion forum, powerful personal music studio, 100's of tv channels, ultra-realistic computer games, miniturization of music libraries, alternate energy sources, space tourism, satellite navigation and smart ovens??? Oh. They are here. Okay now I want a robot called T.R.E.V.O.R. to do all the housework, advise me on fashion choices and call me 'sir' in a soothing monophonic tone. Flying cars, clean air and world peace now please.

Resolutions* (* I reserve the right to modify these at whim at any time during the year)

1) Enjoy/appreciate/live every day with gratitude, good humour, hope, patience arrrgh blablabla
2) Give up Caffeine. (Apart from a cappucino in early January and most days after.)
3) Immerse myself in creativity and make my lifes enjoyment

Happy New Year...love Milton

27th December 2005

Readmittance: Day + 263

Got hit with an infection on Christmas eve and an emergency doctor came out Santa-like and prescribed antibiotics. Spent most of Christmas mumbling 'utter nonsense' in bed, with a fever. Bridget drove me back on Boxing day, and I have now been readmitted at Hammersmith Hoospital for antibiotic drips, tests etc. All pretty precautionary. Im feeling anywhere between fairly rotten and pretty okay. But to my great annoyance have had to postpone my USA trip AGAIN. I also am rather frustrated, I just want to feel OK and get on with things, but time to be a patient patient again. I will be staying at HH for a few days- I hope I am out for New Year's Eve. I won't be able to update often-but wishing you happy in-betweeny-christmas-and-new-year-thing. Bridget has been making the best of it, stocking me up with good food for my stay.

All the best- enjoy the turkey sandwiches... Milton

23rd December 2005

Murky Crimbles: Day + 259

Okay before we are off to Wales for Xmas, I would like to wish you all very, very happy holidays. Try and leave at least a few brain cells intact after the mindless television marathons, spare a thought for the battery poultry that we devour, learn to forgive the brats for their staggering ingratitude and ability to irritate and practise ways to look surprised and delighted at yet another utterly useless present. Try and repress the urge to attack any family members, throw overcooked dinners through the window, vomit at yet another xmas card whose sole purpose is to show off pictures of their children and show how painfully happy they are, and tell that family member, that no, actually a complete analysis of the interior workings of the late 90's Ford Mondeo is not the most rivetting account imaginable. But do remember to be grateful for what, and who you have in life. On that note I will pass you our christmas cards and wish you a wonderful time with much love.

This card is for people who are offended by the word 'fuck'

And this one is for people who are not offended by the word 'fuck'

Merry Xmas!!! milt xxxxxxxxxxxx

22nd December 2005

High Places: Day + 258

Me, again. Who else? Well I've been pretty busy. Things I have done these 8 months post-BMT: Travelled to the Lake District, Scotland & Greece. Played squash twice (& won twice) , cycled dozens of times. Written, with Bridget, four months of articles for Guitar Techniques Magazine, organized a big concert for January, planned a trip to Dallas, Texas for new year, presented a research paper at the University to an excellent response, got pretty drunk at an office party and ended up dancing to 'Killing in the name' and 'Tubthumping', made some important new friends, been flooded, played 2 gigs with Bridget, practised alot of guitar and have pretty much got my playing at least as good as before cancer, written a rhythmic analysis computer program, been out many times, drunk endless cappucinos, read 12 books, memorized the birth and death dates of 50 composers, 100 artists and the reigns of all the British Monarchs since 1066, won an award for 'advancements to music technology education',swam in the mediterranean, chatted with Frank Gambale(world-class guitarist) ,written some new music, had my videos used to train medical students, taught 5 course at the Royal Academy of Music, panelled the entrance auditions at the Royal College of Music with the fantastic guitarist, Carlos Bonnell, lost some friends, given my sister away(in marriage!), raised several thousand pounds for cancer charities, argued with complete strangers, had the car towed away, caught up with some childhood friends, spent WAAAY too much money on myself and found a new love for life and sense of self-confidence and pride. Is it enough? Not even close!

Today I went to the funeral of the pianist Chris Ross, who lost his battle with leukaemia 2 weeks ago. He was 44, possessed a rare musical talent and love of life. He also had many, many friends. I have to say it was a devastatingly sad experience, but I was profoundly moved and inspired by the courage of Marisa and Chris' children and the stories of Chris' life. It was wonderful to see so many people there who had been touched by his life, among them several mutual students and a one of Chris' nurses (who was important to me also at Hammersmith Hospital) So an excruciatingly sad yet spiritually uplifting day.

So what the hell it all about? I don't know but at the end of it all, all our life amounts to is what we leave behind in the hearts of others. Nothing more, nothing less. The one that dies with the least regrets and the greatest positive impact, wins.

So time to get on with life... Milt

18th December 2005

No More Mr. Nice Chap: Day + 254

I'm back. "So soon?" I hear you cry. "Yes", I reply rather breezily. "Oh" you say. The end.

Well tickets are going- how exciting! Please come by clicking here It would be so nice to meet you and share the experience :)

My good friend, colleague and master violinist, Mark Messenger is running the London Marathon in aid of the Anthony Nolan Trust. I am very moved and grateful, please support him! Let me be clear: he is a musician and he is running a marathon. So do the good thing, sponsor him and feel smug for a while. Why? Because you're worth it.

In other news, I have discovered that despite being a very mellow and peaceful guy; I am getting into arguments ALOT more than I did pre-cancer. Arguing with smokers in non-smoking areas, queue-bargers, rude service personnel, tele-sales people, Jehovah Witnesses, jobworths, cheeky students... Come to think of it I guess I'm not that peaceful. Anyway so on SATURDAY, we were out Christmas shopping having a nice time and all. Then on Kensington High Street, near the tube, I was carrying lots of bags and this woman coming towards me blew smoke right into my face. Not in an-oh-so-sexy-and-seductive way, more of I-don't-care-about-anyone-else-way, which I find less attractive. The weird thing is, I reacted IMMEDIATELY, without thinking. I swung round as she passed and whacked her in the arse considerably hard with a bag full of domestic goods. No thought: Smoke-bag-arse. The cycle was complete. Either she was terrified, remorseful or had a prosthetic arse, because she didnt come after me. If YOU are that lady, then stop blowing smoke in my face or I'll smack you in the arse again, and this time with the toaster. Then today, in Starbucks I was loitering looking for a seat while Bridge got the cappucinos in. A table became available and a younger woman trotted up to claim it. Now, no big deal, but I was in the queue in front of her. Pre-cancer, I would have let her take the stupid table, but today I just slipped right past her and sat down completely neutral and unphased. An argument ensued whereby she verbalized her less than generous opinions of me, and I did a shruggy "I was here first" thing. The nearby tables supported HER, cause they hadnt seen ME waiting around, but I just held my ground. She eventually backed off before kindly advising me to get "the fork off the table"- Perhaps it was dirty. It was nice of her to be so considerate despite our little difference. Anyway the point being, no-one messes with me now- I've faced cancer, so social disapproval is like a holiday.

Take care, but be dangerous! Milton

15th December 2005

A Year of MiltCentral: Day + 251

This entry marks the one-year anniversary of MiltCentral. Stats for the year are over 150,000 visitors, £20,000 raised and 2,600 messages from people all over the world. My aim was to have people donate blood to match my blood transfusions. Well they covered my intake 5 times over. Many have also joined the bone marrow register, a very important act. I am very grateful and inspired by the world's reaction to the site. I will continue to use MiltCentral as a forum for cancer patients and their friends and family, a document of one leukaemia patient's experience and a medium for raising money, awareness and hope. Please join me :)

First of all, some terrible news: Chris Ross, an excellent pianist & colleague was diagnosed with CML in June 2005. He went ahead with a Bone Marrow Transplant at Hammersmith Hospital in early November. Despite incredible bravery, determination and the constant loving support of his partner, Marisa, Chris passed away last Saturday evening. He was 44, talented, healthy-living and much loved. Marisa is suggesting donations to the Musicians Benevolent Fund as a tribute to Chris. My deepest condolences to Marisa and family.

I am still burning with a desire to enjoy life to the fullest, and be the best I can be. I finished my first term (semester) back at the Royal Academy last week. Then this Tuesday, I presented a paper on Jazz guitar at the University of Surrey, that went really well. Yesterday I did my first post cancer gig. It was with Bridge (2 guitars and voice) at the marvellous Picture Drome venue, Northampton. We have a similar gig at the Acoustic Lounge on December 20th. Wonderful to be playing again. I am practising as much as I can, working for my PhD (Guitar Performance) and trying to set up as many creative gigs/events/projects as I can. (Life is short/drink cappucino)

Which brings me to the next announcement. The gig on Jan 28th 2006 is going ahead in a great venue. There is a poster with full details here Why don't YOU book a ticket? Suggested donation is £20, but tickets will go to the highest bidders :) It would be great to meet you and have your support. If you would like to pre-book, my email address is on the poster. And if you really can't make it, why not offer some support by donating a little of your hard-earned towards the cost of the event (and the featured charities)...It should be a great event, again email me for info.

Okay, got a lot to do. Am off on my (slightly postponed) trip to Dallas, Texas on December 27th. Looking forward to seeing my great buddy, Dave Karnes and playing some feel-good blues and jazz, USA-style.

Take care y'all! Milton

22nd November 2005

Revolution: Day + 228

Today is the one-year anniversary of my diagnosis. It feels like a lifetime of experience in that one short year. Some years just come and go, unnoticed. Not this one. So what have I learnt? Cancer gets just anybody, with little rhyme or reason: smoker or non-smoker, organic vegetable eater or MickyD muncher, drinker, tea-totaller, old, young, spiritualist, hedonist and nonce- all the same. I also realize that there are many things in life (TV, media, peers, ourselves) that conspire to make us forget that this is our ONE LIFE - from cradle to tomb. We are led to believe that we can just quietly plod through our lives, property ladder, career path etc and not make a fuss, don't rock the boat and just ignore the fact that THIS IS IT. No dress rehearsal, not even a sound check. What you are doing right now is what your life is. And I must shave away with Occam's Razor any concepts of a reward system at the end of it all.

So here I am, one year on with D's sword still dangling precariously above me, and it begs incessantly the question: "What are you going to do with your life?" It's a tough one but I always know the answer: Live MY life with gratitude, creativity, love, irreverence, humour and wonder.

What are YOU gonna do? Best, milton

P.S. If you wanna nice surprise- go to your local magazine dealer and locate a copy of Guitar Techniques (Winter 2005)-- Now who's that new columnist on the CD cover?

14th November 2005

The States of Things: Day + 220

Okay, from the site stats, it seems that many people check this page often. I also get messages from newly diagnosed people every day - which is somewhat humbling, and keeps me focused on the important things. So here is another update for anyone interested:

First off, I have been contacted by a doctor who wants to use my videos to train medical students. That is both flattering and amusing to me. Let us hope they are of some benefit to medical science(?) - I imagine they are more useful to patients than doctors but am happy to help of course.

Secondly, I am arranging an amazing evening of music on the evening of January 28th 2006. This will involve an ensemble made up of some of the best Classical and Jazz guitarists in the country (and me). They all said 'yes' which is great. Proceeds will go to a cancer charity. London venue to be decided, watch this space(or the space above) for all the details. It will be a fantastic event. If you would like to come, or offer support in any way; then just let me know.

Thirdly, I am off to the states (Dallas, Texas) in December to play some jazz and blues gigs with my old college friend, David Karnes. If you live in the area, why not come see me? These will be my first performances post-Cancer, so I am looking forward to it, but now concerned about missing Xmas and new year with Bridge. hmmm..

I'll sign off as I am absolutely swamped with things to do. More soon. Thought for the day: It is not what happens to us, but how we react to those events that defines who we really are.

Ta-ra for now, Milton

8th Novenber 2005

Poxy Thing: Day + 214

Went to work last Monday, but turned around as soon as I got there as I was feeling quite weak and I had developed a strange rash on my legs- like giant mosquito bites and very itchy.

Went straight to clinic where they took the mandatory blood sample (have I got ANY left??) and waited to see my consultant. I was suspecting that this was my first sign of GVHD and it had finally caught up with me. But I was in for a shock: Bloody Chicken Pox!!! Of all things, but it seemed obvious in retrospect-and nothing really to complain/worry about. I was advised to take a week off work with a load of antibiotics. Oh well, my students will have to fall temporarliy by the wayside of ignorance on the path of wisdom.

I always wished I could relive my life with 'adult wisdom' just like any number of 80's movies. But alongside (very cuttingly and eloquently) telling nasty bullies, teachers, ex-girlfriends etc. where to insert things, chicken pox did not feature. I better look out for measles, mumps and rubella I suppose. In fact, I will be getting my jab in a few months. If I don't get a lolly, I'm going to make such a fuss...

So Chicken Pox and jabs. What next? Puberty???????

Cheers, milt (now feeling better, less itchy, non-contagious and back to work)

27th October 2005

McKeedes of the clan McKeedes: Day + 202

Just flew back from Edinburgh, where I was visiting my good friend, the jazz pianist Steve Hamilton and the artist Denitza Petrova, Deny.

It was a last minute trip, and we got pretty lucky with the weather: Visiting a defunct 1683 castle in beautiful Scottish grassland and Edinburgh's excellent art galleries. I was thrilled to see one of Charles Jencks' landscaped gardens next to the Dean Gallery- I had no idea it was there and it was the first of his works that I've seen 'in the soil'. I also got to see some Picasso, Mondrian, Braques, Miro, Leger & Max Ernst. I've been interested in the history of art, so I really enjoyed it. Each painiting is like a message from the artist's soul whispered through the ages (bit too profound, milt)

Was surprised to hear that Steve has moved slightly away from music for the time being (despite his well-recognized talent) and is focusing on professional poker. The money is much better apparently! Good luck to him, I hope he makes a million, but I (want him (selfishly) to come back to the music making world as soon as he is ready...

Bridget is performing in a production of 'Les Miserables' and is busy learning the guitar parts. She is a very talented musician IMHO. She is also writing a series of articles for 'Guitar Techniques' Magazine. If you want to keep up to date with her, check out her new site. Now that I am more on my feet, I will also be continuing with my (music-focused/non-cancer) site- which will be more music-nerdy. www.miltonmermikides.com

Pictures are updated so please check them out if you are interested Okay GP appointment tomorrow and then maybe visiting a lovely couple (one awaiting BMT) at Hammersmith Hospital. Leukaemia doesn't define me, but it will certainly be part of me from here on- and so will MiltCentral. Love, milt x

22nd October 2005

Gravit-arse: Day + 197

I fell off my bike today and scraped my knee. No sympathy please, coz I looked like a real twat.

Gonna spend the evening recording some music that I will post up later. Also you may notice that I am putting up more pics (both new and old) often - so check them out.

A big thank you to Paul & Yoko Ono for doing a guitar & piano concert (Sunday 16th October) in aid of the Leukaemia Research Fund. This raised £355 and I am very grateful. That brings the total raised by MiltCentral close to £20,000 - not bad for a jazz guitarist, eh?

20th October 2005

A Walk In The Park: Day + 195

Hello to all! A surprisingly bright day, my half-term holiday is here already so an opportune time for Bridge and I to walk the local parks and take some pics. (See the Pictures section) Am feeling physically stronger every day and in some ways I am back to 'normal'- the cycling and music has really helped. There are certain things I cannot do at the moment: Work too hard, be around cigarette smoke and dark enclosed spaces are kind of unpleasant. Other than that, I am a stone (=14 pounds-20 dollars) underweight and still slightly anaemic (11.4 Hgb, aiming for 14) - a few more months of good food should help. (Starting with just one more square of that green & black's almond chocolate) I am back into my food. Soft-boiled eggs for breakfast, a winter vegetable soup for lunch and a dinner of organic steak and brocolli is a typical day's diet. This makes a change from a pink protein mix pumped by machine through my nose and directly into my stomach (Which let's face it, is unlikely to feature on 'Ready, Steady, Cook!' anytime soon)

As day 200 approaches, what are my plans? Well am really into practising and writing music, I will try and update more often, get as much exercise as practically possible, spend some quality time with Bridge, my friends and family. I also have various musical ventures that I am spending my time and energy on, and I *may* continue my PhD in Music in December. I also want to put on some charity concerts over Christmas and hopefully offer some support to others facing big medical challenges. Basically I want to 'live well'.

Man, life is short. How will you spend yours? Chat later- Milt

17th October 2005

Life Cycle : Day + 192

11.30pm Salutations and best wishes to all. What's going on? Well I have been a) working at the academy b) riding my bike everywhere c) practising & recording musical ventures d) Reading about History of Art etc.

It's still not a year from diagnosis- unbelievable. My life is irrevocably changed by this experience. I take seriously now my TRUE experience of life and put the highest stock in it- if this is at the cost of some earnings or CV power then so be it. I have nothing left to fear which is very liberating. My new boundaries that have been forced upon me at work are also a blessing. What is frustrating is that the creative fire inside me is limited by a) time b) energy - but my commitment to them is immovable and I am excited about the future. It is still hard work and there are often mornings when I have to remind myself , yet again, that it is a miracle that I am here at all. Bridge and I are still shaken by the events but we are doing pretty well considering. I include for your listening pleasure, a track we recorded at home last week (In the 'Music' Section) which features Bridge singing beautifully.

Enjoy your days, speak soon: Milt.

5th October 2005

Time : Day + 180

2am. A warm greeting to all. Apologies to all those who have been awaiting an update, here it is. In short, I have been busy trying to re-integrate into life: I am back working at the Royal Academy of Music (3 days a week). Students and colleagues have been touchingly supportive. It is surreal to be back to work. I am also busy practising and working with 2 new musical projects, which is a welcome source of absorption and comfort. Surprisingly the obligations of work help create the motivation to get on with my own creative projects, more than if I had all the free time in the world. I was getting very low and unmotivated with empty days but am feeling more positive now. I feel the past few months post-BMT have been, in many ways, the toughest part of the journey- hard to believe isnt it? Health-wise, things are pretty good: no GVHD, engraftment appears to be full and my stamina is slowly increasing. My medication is minimal: Penicillin twice daily and Septrum 3 times a week. I was looking back at some of my old entries and only a few months ago my daily medications were unbelievable. How I recovered from it, I don't really understand- but I am grateful and I am trying to justify my experience by living my life better. What that means exactly I am still working out. Anxiety is also improving, although I am faced with various stresses and challenges at this stage in my life. I am 34 and I feel I have lived a number of lifetimes with this experience- but somehow, life goes on. What I do know for sure is that life is short. Fleeting. I feel we need to grab it when we can because we are on very fragile ground. Although I feel this vulnerability keenly now, it has also lessened a lot of petty stresses in my life. Being presented with one's own mortality, leaves one with little to fear.

I had lunch with Tim Stollery ( a fellow cancer survivor) - there we were just like normal people. He said that he was finding it hard to cope with the fact that the world hadn't changed it all despite him personally having a life-changing experience. I would have to concur. I will probably spend the rest of my life assimilating and deriving meaning from this event. I still don't feel sorry for myself or 'regret' this- only in the anguish it has caused Bridget, my family and friends. I just feel indescribably grateful to have a life at all, to love and be loved, play music and to have some more precious time to rediscover the good in the world. Well it's late and I am lecturing in the morning, so I will sign off. After work, I may go and surprise the docs and nurses at Charing Cross Hospital (Where I spent Nov 2004 - March 2005) and thank them for, you know, saving my life and all that. Still can't believe that it is not yet a year since DIAGNOSIS (Nov.22) Occasionally the bizarreness of it just hits me and I have to call Bridge and ask "Did that really happen?" Well apparently it did. Anyway I will endeavour to write again sooner and post up some more pics and music. All my best to all of you, love Milton.

P.s. I have memorized the names and the dates of the reigns of all the British monarchs from 1066-2005, the birth and death dates of 50 composers and the melodies and chords of 63 jazz tunes recently. Why? Erm, so I won't get invited to parties perhaps?

11th September 2005

Flood : Day + 156

Hello all. Back to work tomorrow...unbelievable. My fatigue is a little worse this days, it seems to fluctuate. But am still feeling well enough to be up and about and start working part-time again. Visited the academy for a meeting on Friday and was overwhelmed by a warm welcome. A surreal experience to be back...the same world through different eyes. Came home to find the flat flooded and Bridget desperately using every towel in the house to prevent damage. Nothing too bad: Am sitting here with two industrial humidifiers whirring away and half the carpet removed. Insurance is a GOOD thing. Latest results show a 96% graft/host ratio in my bone marrow which is "as good as can be hoped for". So far so good. Still no GVHD, let's see how it all progresses. In the meantime, follow your bliss- and do one thing that scares you today (nothing dangerous) adios, miltonus

7th September 2005

Back : Day + 152

Just returned from an extended stay in Greece. It was great to get away and look at the blue sky, swin in the sea and gaze at shooting stars. My latest results show that my bone marrow is 94% new. That is very good apparently. I am very grateful.

I am very sorry to here terrible news about 2 fellow cancer friends of mine. Julie-Anne Congdon passed away on August 21st 2005 following GVHD problems during her BMT. She was a very inspiring woman and I send my condolences and very best wishes to her family. Eric Roche passed away on September 6th 2005. Eric was an extraordinary musician and spirit and will be sorely missed by so many others. My thoughts go out to his family.

I go back to work on Monday, I can't believe it but it's here, another life. I wonder what it will bring this time?

Milton

16th August 2005

Off : Day + 130

Okay a super-quick message. I am off for a last minute short holiday in Greece. My plane leaves in a few hours, time to start packing methinks. The Med will be my med tomorrow! After Greece, I am joining Bridget to teach on the IGF (International Guitar Foundation) Guitar Summer school in Bath for a week. I will update when/if I can. I am still a bit anaemic (10.0hgb), but my blood is otherwise good, and I am feeling pretty fit. (I have played squash 3 times in the last week and am yet to lose a game...) This vicious cancer has taken up the last 9 months of my life and I would like a break!

Oh today I had my first post-BMT haircut- what a great feeling to be (relatively) normal and do normal things...

Yassus!!

11th August 2005

On : Day + 125

I have finished my Cyclosporin! Feels great to be rid of it- Imagine, I may not have to take any more ever again. Just penicillin and septrim for a few more months and then my immunity jabs (mumps, measles, rubella etc.) I am grateful and humbled not to have experienced any GVHD to speak of. (Even though my blood system is, at last count, 93% grafted) I hope that GVHD is kept at bay now that I am no longer on immuno-suppresants.

What have I been up to? Well, I was best man at my sister's wedding last week (pictures to follow). It went very well, a rather special event: My sister looked fantastic, Bridget played classical guitar beautifully for the ceremony, no-one fell over and I apparently looked pretty healthy. I was grateful to be around for it.

Yesterday I played my first post-cancer squash match. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to play, but I lasted an hour and ended up winning 5 games to zero! (9-6, 9-2, 9-0, 9-1, 9-5) Apparently it was not a pity performance from my opponent, so I was very pleased with myself. I am playing again tomorrow, so let's see how it goes. I am now capable of walking several miles a day without issue. Bridget no longer has to adjust her pace. I may try to get back into jogging again although that is a rather scary concept. I get a little stressed revisiting my old activities, as I fear not being capable of them.

The mornings are still tough. It is like a wall of hopelessness, sorrow and depression paralysing me. I just have to lie down for however long, feel it fully then, when possible, get up and go about my day. I have been offered anti-depressants repeatedly, but am not taking them. Why? Well, because they take 2 weeks to kick in, there always remains the hope that things will improve in the interim. Also, I have found depression to have appeared in my life at the brink of important developmental stages, and am loathe to obfuscate the process. Maybe I am just being silly, but I'd rather be naturally moody than artificially 'chirpy'. Then again, without drugs, I would now be deceased, so it is not as simple as drugs=bad. But for the time being I am coping 'au natural'. I guess, I don't want to miss real issues and opportunities for growth, painful as they might be. This is where I am at the moment, anyway. All I know is that sometimes, when things are okay, I momentarily forget what I have been through and it almost feels like earned happiness.

4th August 2005

And... : Day + 118

I have just had a cheese omelette with a watercress salad with olive oil(extra virgin naturally).   Before that, I was in the hospital to get my bone marrow biopsy results.   Guess what?   My bone marrow is very healthy with no signs of leukaemia. My cyclosporin intake will be phased out completely in 7 days (current dose 25mg/day).

I don't know what to say really.   I feel grateful and relieved.   There are always potential dangers but having survived the transplant, avoided GVHD so far and made it through any infections - my chances are much, much better. Nothing is certain in this life, so you just have to grab some bliss where you can.

Follow your bliss, Milton

3rd August 2005

And On... : Day + 117

Back from the Lake District. Bridget and her family took me for a great 7-mile walk around Ullswater, starting with a steam boat crossing.   (I've added a couple of pics in the 'pictures' section).   I managed it with very little difficulty.   However I still have no stamina for any anaerobic exercise (running, prolonged uphill hiking etc) - anaemia and general atrophy from half a year of treatment can't help.   I hate having low energy and lethargy.   Bridget and I had a great time with her nephews (see the new vid)

I am starting to appreciate how well I've done with my recovery from the BMT so far:   No GVHD, only one infection to date and a relatively fast climb back to health.   It could be so much worse.   The mornings are tough emotionally, but I've found the best solution is just to get on with things and not wallow any more than necessary.

I get the results of my bone marrow biopsy tomorrow. More later...

Best, Milt

25th July 2005

Daylight: Day + 108

I would like to send my best wishes to all of those going through the cancer fight today.   People of all ages and backgrounds are contacting me frequently, letting me know of their diagnosis and treatment.   I just want to wish them all strength and courage.   I understand the struggle involved and to hear that, for example, a 12-year old is newly diagnosed with leukaemia fills me with the need to continue with the site's mission. I needed a break to regroup and recover from my ordeal for a while and deal with the emotional aftermath of the trauma, but I am now getting back to contacting new and old members of the MiltCentral community.  

Bridge and I are off to the Lake District today for some hill-walking, fresh air and a nephew fix.   I had my (hopefully) final bone marrow biopsy last week (results in 10 days), hospital visits are now